Sitting here attempting to get the creative juices flowing. Randomly reading books and surfing the net trying to get inspired to write about something, anything worth being read…by someone other than myself. Feeling a bit melancholy and inadequate (as I periodically do), wondering where my life is leading me…and am I prepared for the destination? Assessing and weighing where my life is now and how much further I would like to expand my horizons. Realizing that some things in life come when least expected but when most needed.
Take for instance my daughter, the true love of my life. My “blessed sign sent from the Creator”, my redemption and muse. My gift of unconditional love. My conscience in the flesh. And yet, I often feel I am failing her and short changing her because I must focus on so many other things than just her. Feeling I am in some way neglecting her by spending countless hours in front of a screen that seems to suck me in at times as I work diligently to make this computer work for me…and to ultimately make money we both will benefit from. Praying that my true prayers are acknowledged and acceptable so that I might hear my instructions as to what direction I should be moving in.
I try and balance being a Mother working from home with extended moments of quality time with my child, but somehow, I always feel guilty and negligent when I get back to work. I keep telling myself that my diligence (both to my own dreams and visions and to my daughter), will pay off, in the long run, but it’s this long run that is wearing me out a bit.
Still I rise, to greet each new morning with a beautiful cherub staring me in the face and demanding oatmeal and butter toast. Recharging me, and keeping me focused, inspiring me to do that which I feel in the deepest recesses of my heart, that I was sent here by the Creator to do…so that I can be/become a constant force in her life. Reminding her that no matter how distracted her “Mommy” may seem to be, I can always see clearly that which she truly is…my blessed sign sent from the Creator.
I do not intend to take nor treat this blessing with folly. My hope for the future, both hers and mine, continues to teach me patience.
Your expressions are always touching. I am so very happy you have a daughter now…for now, you can really understand the true meaning of the “Unconditional Love” I have for you! Be of good courage and continue to WRITE…it is your gift from The Creator.
I was struck by your words describing your inner struggle with giving of yourself to your daughter. I could relate so well with what you described, often yearning for more and more time to dedicate my 3-year old daughter Chandler. She means everything to me and more, no longer remembering what life was like before she came along. I admire her strength and character which allows me endless dreams for her future. I am driven because what I can offer her is never enough for what she deserves.
Thank you for allowing me to feel that I am not alone…..